Child Abuse Awareness Month: Punishment vs. Discipline Published May 13, 2014 By Family Advocacy Program Office 5th Medical Operations Support Squadron MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. -- One of the most common things parents face, is the difference between punishment and discipline. There's always so much to do. Work is hectic, the kid's school, sports, activities schedules, base exercises, and lines at the gate and by the time they sit to relax, they hear the kids arguing over nothing. That's it! It's the last straw! How do parents handle it? In some households, they would remind their 17 year old, who is clearly being baited by their 11 year old, he does not have to attend every argument he is invited to. Common sense should show that entering into a nonsensical argument will lead to nowhere. It even works, upon occasion. Do you remember being punished as a child? I remember being spanked occasionally when I was growing up, but more so, I remember my mother had a "look". If you happened to receive that look, you stopped what you were doing immediately, fearful of what would follow. I've heard stories of friends whose moms had a wooden spoon in each room. I've heard tales from in laws about having to go out and pick a switch they would be hit with. Other parents could wound their children with words like "I'm disappointed in you" or, "You have lost my trust." All of these are different examples of discipline and punishment. What's the difference? In simple terms, the definition of discipline is an internal set of controls in a child. The goal of discipline is to teach children to monitor their own behavior. So for the above example, that "look" that I would get from my mother was her form of discipline, as it taught me to check my own behavior before I was punished. The definition of punishment is an external set of control imposed on a child. The goal of punishment is to change behavior. Some could say there is a gray area between the two, and depending on the argument, may be able to convincingly prove their point. However, for now, let's just keep them separate. While discipline teaches self-control, punishment does not. Further, punishment does not reinforce positive behavior. It is often misunderstood by children and can lower self-esteem. Does this mean a parent should never punish behaviors? No. The key here is to make sure you know which is appropriate and when. Some things that can affect how parents approach this are things like stress. What is your stress level? In the scenario in the beginning, it may seem like the stress level was quite high. In those instances in high stress or anger, it could have been a situation that turned into punishment, a wasted opportunity for discipline and education. So, parents should make sure they know their personal stress levels and how it could impact their mood, thoughts and behaviors. On-the-other hand, when thinking about discipline, styles vary. Parents could be an authoritarian, democratic or permissive disciplinarian, which are the three most common discipline styles used. While authoritarian styles favor parents having all the power, the role of children is to obey, but typically has a lot of fear associated with it. On the other end of the spectrum, a permissive style has all the control with the child, but can often be chaotic, lead to future difficulties relating to others in adulthood. A democratic style, however, shares control between parents and children when appropriate, is relaxed and orderly, and leads to acceptance of views of others and respectful relationships. This give and take is a great way to help prepare little ones for life outside of the family unit. Parenting styles are as different as we are. Many people feel these patterns are repeated generationally. I have often said I am not raising my sons; my mother is. This is because I hear so much of my mother when I speak to my own children. I swore I would never be like her! Think about the parenting styles of your parents and grandparents. How did their styles affect how discipline was handled with you? How did you experience this? Was it helpful or hurtful? Do you feel your parent's style has influenced you as a parent? What do you think you are teaching your children about being a parent? If you have questions or concerns about parenting, remember that Family Advocacy is here to help. They offer different types of parenting classes that cater to the needs of the class in effort to support your family. Contact Family Advocacy at 723-5096 to find out more information.