Amanda's story: Escaping the clutches of domestic abuse Published Oct. 15, 2012 By Yvonne Johnson APG News ABERDEEN PROVING GROUND, Md. -- Courted and captivated, a young girl, caught up in a whirlwind relationship, married an Army Soldier who seemed to be everything she wanted. Not all Soldiers, however, embrace the Army values, and before long, a fairy-tale existence gave way to a brutal reality. Her name is Amanda and this is her story. "After graduation, and a time of uncertainty and confusion, I met a guy who I thought would be my knight in shining armor. I will refer to him as DV." Amanda said the relationship moved swiftly. The young man overwhelmed her with declarations of love and his desire to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to get married and raise a family right away, she said. "The only problem was that he had recently enlisted in the military and was scheduled to move out within a few months," she said. "He insisted upon us getting married before he flew to Germany. We had only been dating for three months but I didn't want to let him down by saying no. I also felt a strong connection to life in the military, despite the frequent moves and threats of loss in times of war." Amanda agreed to DV's proposal and the couple married in the summer of 2005. She became pregnant soon after but lost the baby in her second trimester. "I was absolutely devastated by the loss. I was neither physically nor emotionally prepared to try for another child but DV insisted we try again right away. I gave birth to our son less than a year later," she said. Amanda became a young wife and mother living far from home under a military system that she had only experienced as a "military brat." This new perspective stunned her. Her parental responsibilities and her inability to make friends led to feelings of isolation. Insistent that she not socialize with other wives, her husband began spending less time with his family and more time with his friends. Soon, a darker side of him began emerging, starting with verbal abuse that eventually escalated. "Within the first few months, I realized that DV was far from the knight in shining armor I believed him to be," Amanda said. "Along with isolation from family and friends, I experienced threats, intimidation, verbal and physical abuse, destruction of property, coercion and harassment. His behavior became unpredictable and dangerous. Over time I started to think I was the problem, and I consciously tried to change my behavior so as not to upset him." Amanda kept quiet for the sake of her son and enjoyed a short reprieve when DV deployed to Afghanistan with his military police unit. When he returned, however, he picked up where he'd left off. "His abusive behavior got worse when he came back from Afghanistan," she said. "The physical abuse resumed to the point where I felt I was not in a marriage but on a roller coaster from hell. He spent the bulk of his paychecks on video games and alcohol which left little to no food for me and my son." DV's most severe attack on Amanda occurred in the summer of 2007 while they were still in Germany. During a heated argument, she sensed his anger approaching a dangerous level and she tried to leave their military housing apartment. "I could feel the tension building. I instinctively knew that I had to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. This only made him angrier. He grabbed me by my arm, threw me against the wall and started choking me," she said. Amanda was left with multiple bruises and abrasions and badly shaken by the attack. DV left and Amanda called a friend to come get her and her son. Hours later, she contacted DV's first sergeant. She then began receiving conflicting reports from other sources as to her husband's whereabouts. The first sergeant said he'd call her back but never did. The military police then showed up at the door, took her statement and photographed her bruises. Amanda went to the emergency room to be examined and before she left there, she learned that DV had been apprehended and then released after a couple of hours. Amanda said that was all the disciplinary action he received. Because DV was assigned to the same MP unit that picked him up, Amanda suspects preferential treatment. "That was his only punishment for this behavior," she said. "Due to concerns for our physical safety, the military police quickly arranged for my son and I to return to the states. This was the last time they advocated on my behalf. I've spent the last two years fighting not only for full custody of my son but for the military to hold DV accountable for his acts of violence. The abuse I suffered at his hands would be a felony under civilian law." Amanda's experience is a clear example of the dynamics involved in domestic violence situations. Abusers charm victims, their families and the system into a false sense of security. They target victims' insecurities, they say the right things, they isolate them and then they strike. Most of the time these abusers are good Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, but behind closed doors it's a totally different story. The Department of Defense has a strict policy on domestic violence: Zero Tolerance. The Air Force has also established and implemented a Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate (DAVA) program designed to advocate on behalf of victims of domestic abuse. Advocacy services include safety planning, command, legal and court advocacy, emergency shelter placement, options for counseling within the Family Advocacy Program, information and referral, and other services as needed. The Minot DAVA program has been up and running since January 2012 and has a 24-hour contact line for emergencies, questions, and support at 701-557-9466. Victims have rights, first and foremost of which is having the right to live free from harm and the threat of harm. Victim advocates are here to ensure these and all of the victim's rights are observed. Remember, the Department of Defense has a ZERO TOLERENCE policy in regards to Domestic Violence. It has no place in our military and on our base. For those who are or know somebody who is a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Contact the Family Advocacy Program at 723-5096, the Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate 24-hours a day at 701-557-9466, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. (Minot Air Force Base Family Advocacy Program contributed to this article)